Iron and wine.
There’s something comforting about the dark. Tear up, smile, dream all you want - and all those thoughts running through your mind won’t have to be laid bare for the world to see. That’s what I find myself in right now. I don’t really see the need for this post but I guess that is what this is, my thoughts spilling in the dark.
It feels good to finally have my night hours back to me again. The Reality Effect is like a huge breath I’m puffing out of my system. Saw my friend Sosie today, established we miss everyone in the cast and crew… but strangely enough, I’m good with that.
Peru was life-changing. I mean, that’s the only word that I think can best encompass everything that happened there. Even up to now, I’m still processing things. It was the most in touch I’ve ever been with God. I had such a close encounter with Him and have been ever since and I feel that my faith is in another level. But I also feel that the warfare is worse, much worse. Challenges are in a different wavelength; new tactics are in place, requiring reconfiguration of defense and offense. I’m probably not making sense. But that’s fine. It makes sense in the dark.
I’ve nursed my wounds for the past days. I feel that it’s about time to just let them be exposed to the air so they can heal. It’s about time that I move on from this phase I’m in. There are a lot of things I want to change about myself, to make myself better, not necessarily to other people’s eyes, but my own… which is tougher. Everyday you look in the mirror and see yourself, and it’s only you who know you exactly for who you are, strengths and flaws and all - and sometimes, or if you were me, most of the time, you’re not even sure.
This is getting long. And to be honest, I don’t understand how you can still be reading at this point - if you even exist. But thanks. Lie in the dark with me. Hear my heart. Maybe you can figure out what it’s saying?
It’s an illusion, Peter.
There’s always something getting through.
Saw a montage of you, and I had to look away. My heart is still palpitating, like I just saw someone I’m trying to get over. Those few seconds of exposure felt like I was prematurely peeling a scab, and the needles of pain shot to the surface of the wound saying I’m not ready. I am not healed fully. At least not yet.
That’s one of the reasons why I need to go back… one of the reasons why I won’t mind braving the snowy ground. I am hopeful that somehow, the thirty-degree chill will fire my heart again, and the uphills will bring me once again to my element. I can’t wait to displace you, like the rest of the phases I’ve been through. Give you a rest. Not let you make me worry about anything else but the present.
One more day.
Phases.
I went to a debut today and as always, it’s about how special and beautiful the debutante is. Depending on the type of person, the presentation of it varies. But one common theme that I always find in it is the transition “from a girl to a young woman”. Just all those talks about changes and being a non-minor now, reminded me of how intriguing change really is.
Change is the only permanent thing in this world. God knows how scared of it I am, especially because I know I’ll be leaving all my friends and family here in SD. I know I’ve done it before with friends from the Philippines. But this time, I’m actually going to be alone. I’m facing the changes alone. And it intimidates me to some degree every time I think about it.
Surprisingly, change is also the prime thing that gives me comfort. This moment, I am in a weird phase where I know I’m happy, and yet, I feel the bites on different parts of my being, saying that some things may not be entirely right. I could dwell in my loss (or the things I know I’ll never have), and yet, the idea that soon, I will move on and this phase will be over, keeps me going. The idea of change makes me believe that I’ll eventually pass through this road, no matter how much discomfort it causes me.
So now, I let the changes engulf me, keeping it my goal to never lose touch of the person I originally was. I will acknowledge my phases, my struggles, my thought processes, my reactions, my internal and external culture… so that in time, I’ll get better and be the person I’m meant to be. The person God intended me to be.
